Going Into 2022

Going Into 2022

This past year has been one of the strangest yet best years so far; lockdown was still around, so I was stuck in the house with only the food shop to do, so I became interested in at-home workouts and going out on the bike more.

Homelife was still strange as I’d never imagined mum being bed-bound. Still, in a way, it’s good and in another is a lot on my shoulders, but as I keep saying, I don’t mind, and the truth is I don’t, but there are days where I am stressed out because I want to get out of the house for a bit but with the lockdown that wasn’t possible but I did what I could.

I had no boyfriend to talk to daily. I quite liked that as there were days where I had nothing interesting to say, I also started changing things I’d never really thought much about, and that was the way I dress and what sort of things I wanted to have permanently on my body, such piercings and tattoos.

The piercings and tattoos came later in the month. Still, at the beginning of this year, I had just become friends with somebody from TikTok who we had this instant bond which was some what strange as we are in two different parts of the world, but somehow we were like old friends who hadn’t spoken for decades, we understood each other.

I’d never had a friend like this who genuinely wanted to know about what was going on with me and listened to my ramblings about many different things, then came along the group chat where there were many more people from TikTok who I’d become friends with just from a live stream we all have this great banter and are always there to support each other no matter what no questions asked.

As the year went on, I became closer and closer with my friend I made from TikTok as well as everyone else in the group chat; even though I am the youngest in the friendship group, they’ve never made me feel like it, as it got closer to the summer I started going out on walks again like I used to down to the country park with overlooks the airport where the planes land and take off I got really into photography again because I wanted to share it with my friends who had suddenly become my family

I thought going through a breakup the previous year had opened my eyes to things and made me become more like myself again. Still, the truth of the matter was that because I was so young when I got into that relationship, I hadn’t found myself or discovered my style or figured out who I was as an adult and not a teenager or a person who was part of a relationship, I had to stop and take in the fact I had no idea who I was anymore at 27 years old.

However, after speaking to my friends and speaking to other people who were life coaches on TikTok, I realised I had to create this whole new person and discover who I wanted to be and not what anyone else saw me. I can’t say that I have found who I want to be, but I now have the freedom to do what I want again and embrace my inner child and find a tattoo that resembles that inner child.

That inner child loved nothing more than waking up around 11 pm, knowing full well she should be in bed, but her dad was home and wanted to sit at his feet and watch TV or hold his hand again whilst taking the dog for a walk. As an adult, I missed things like that, but I had it with mum, still getting her to do something I know I can do but wanting her to do it for the sake of it.

When you become an adult, there isn’t a simple way out of things. There are things that I had genuinely missed whilst we were in and out of lockdown, and that was seeing people who had helped me become who I am with the work I do with the foster care kids; I’d missed being able to meet them for coffee and a good old natter.

So many people make new years resolutions and never keep to it, and I know I am one of those who do the same, but I know that it’s pointless making resolutions. I’ve learned, and the best thing to do is to set myself achievable goals that I want to take into the new year or to start doing in the new year, and I know for sure I have one so far, which is to get driving lessons again and pass my test before the next new year.

The other goals that I would love to do aren’t strictly possible, but I want to meet these people I’ve now got as a family, especially a person I call my big sister; she has been a tremendous help this past year, and I hope I have done the same for her too. I also want to catch up with others I haven’t seen in a while.

I genuinely have no idea where this new year is going to take me, but I know I am not as worried as I have been in the previous years; I don’t know what it is about the new year, but for some reason, it has always scared me, and I’m not sure if it’s just because it’s a change. It’s technically something new or the fear of the unknown, but this new year I hope that things work out much better and somehow I can achieve my goals and not give up as that’s the easy way out.

Mental Health?

Mental Health?

During lockdown a lot ofpeople have really been Straggling withtheir mental health now it’s gotten worse because they’ve been stuck inside with no where to go as everywhere was closed.

In all honesty if somebody had asked me a few years ago about mental health and how it’s been I would’ve questioned why that person was asking as I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. I have known many people with realy bad mental health So I know how it’s really changed their out look on social situations as it can take a toll on them to over they are completely drained emotionally.

those who know me personally know that I’ve been through a lot at such a young age but somehow i’ve come out the other side of it somewhat positive and wanting to help others who are currently going through a similar situation that I’ve been through myself.

Friends around me who i know who have mental health problems come to me whenever something isnt going well because usually I’m the one to offer some support or some advice on what to do whenever they’ve had a bust up with their partner, not that i want to come across as big headed but thats what they usually do.

I always want to help people whenever i can but during the pandemic i notcied that those friends only wanted to know whenever it was something to with them or they had something to share. others were busy with their own lifes and trying to figure out what to do within the restictions and those who were known to have mental health issues were checked on often and some how i got left behind.

Until quite recently i wouldn’t have thought that i would really looking back at my younger years to see if i did show any signs of mental health and looking back i did show signs especially after my dad passed. I always hid what was wrong or if i was worried about anything.

When somebody asked me recently how my mental health was during the lockdown and my intial reaction was that it was fine and that i was good simply because i had my mum to worry about but it got me thinking that nobody had ever asked me how my mental health was not many people had actually checked on me.

However now it got me thinking on how ive always pushed aside anything i was worrying about that was to do with me. everyone came before me, for example if there was something going on with my mum than anything i had a issue with or was worried about would go out the window.

I now have a new group of friends and one particular person I’ve become quite close to i have noticed that i do the same with them, i know for a fact that this person will listen to whatever is going on and help me in any way that they can but i still don’t see the point in telling them because i don’t see it as important.

Things haven’t been great for a while but i don’t let it get to me as stupid as it sounds. i had a lot of time to really think about everything whether it was to do with my break up or all the stupid stuff that went on with the care system, it wasn’t the best of times but again i just pulled through it. A lot of people say that i turned out alright.

I still don’t know for sure if i do have some sort of mental health issues but i do know that at times i feel like i am missing out on things, not that i mind being home with my mum but i don’t have the friends who genuinely reach out to see if I’m doing ok, I sometimes wish they would but i know they have other stuff that’s more important so i brush it off.

I love the friends i have recently made they may not always know whats wrong with me or even when i want them to but i know they care enough and that’s the main thing. So many times people get over looked because of their mental health or how they come across. i know now that i need to take time for myself however that’s not something that will come easy but anything is worth a try first hand.

What 2020 taught me

What 2020 taught me

January of last year I was looking at the world with a different outlook on things, I was in a relationship that I didn’t know at the time was somewhat toxic, I had loved this guy for many years, but I honestly felt like a lot of things weren’t how they were supposed to be. There was a lot of things that I didn’t see in the beginning but during march 2020 lockdown made me open my eyes to everything, here’s a rundown of every red flag.

We had met at our local church; he was making the sound. I was doing the Sunday school, and the current pastor mentioned that he needed some help with doing the words. Hence, I went along, and that’s where we first met I was 18. At first glance, he was 29; I honestly didn’t like the look of him as he seemed the typical nerdy type of guy. Still, over the months of doing the words and getting to know him, I genuinely started to get feelings for him. Still, I was quite shy and didn’t know how to approach the topic, I eventually told him, but he knocked me back because of our age difference however a year late around October time we went for a meal, and he asked me out in his own way which was to see how it goes.

Fast forward, and at this point, we had been together for about a year, and this is where I should’ve seen the signs that something wasn’t right with our relationship, for starters he made it very clear on many occasions that he wanted our relationship to be private, secondly he made it seem that me getting another tattoo would be the deal-breaker of our relationship as he did not like tattoos. So he made me promise not to get another one. Looking back at it now that’s tow red flags within the first year of the relationship; I was young and clueless. I had never had a proper relationship where we got on, and I felt like I could talk to him.

Two years had flown by, and we had had some ups and downs with our relationship, and I honestly thought I was doing something wrong or he would pint point the blame on his mental health. We never went on an actual date or at least he didn’t call it a date, there were times on a Sunday where he would get really jealous and accuse my guy friend ( who at this point I’d known since I was 13) he really didn’t like the way my guy friends behaved around me because they were around the same age.

He just thought that this guy had a crush on me and was blatantly flirting with me right under his nose and that wasn’t the case at all, my guy friend had known me for years and had always said I was his little sister, we would catch up after the service had finished. Then when my boyfriend at the time was going, I just turned out and said bye without going over to give him a hug and a kiss as he had said many times he wanted to keep us private, so I carried on talking to my guy friend as I hadn’t seen him in a while and wanted to catch up with him before I went home.

Later that night the boyfriend rang me as per usual and to say he was pretty annoyed would be an understatement, he absolutely hated my guy friend simply because of the so-called way he was around me, you could really hear in his voice how pissed off he was about the fact I didn’t say bye to him and how I made him look like a fool in front of his mum and other people that were in church because I wasn’t behaving in a way that would show I was dating him and not my guy friend. The phone conversation didn’t last for long. I kept quiet as what he was saying didn’t make any sense, but I didn’t see the point in correcting him.

I had learnt early on in our relationship that when he gets all funny its best to let him have his say and ignore him as usually he would calm down and then change the subject and either go on about what the pastor was talking about or I would probably talk about what went on in Sunday school, he had never actually told me to stop speaking to my guy friend, but he wouldn’t like the idea as it would come across as disrespectful towards him, which made no sense as he had said from the beginning our relationship was private.

There were times I wanted to post little things of us laughing on social media. Still, as usual, he didn’t like the idea as he didn’t want people who may know him or went to school with seeing it, he would always ask to see if I had any pictures of him that I had taken without his knowledge. I had a few, and he looked as I knew if I didn’t show him, he wouldn’t shut up about it for the rest of the evening, he would look at the pictures I took and ask me to delete them which I did and then after that he would ask me again if I actually deleted them apparently because it would play on his mind and anxiety so I would have to show him again that I deleted them. Still, he would have to look at least twice and made sure I didn’t post anything on social media. I honestly didn’t know why he was like this; it was almost like he couldn’t trust me; this another thing I came to learn very quickly in our relationship.

By our 4th anniversary I found out he was going to be moving back to the same area I live in and the area he grew up in as a kid and then moved not long after he left school, baring that in mind he did not live on his own he still lived with his parents, he was in his mid 30’s at this point with mental health issues and no job, in the summer I had mentioned about going to visit my dad’s grave. He blatantly put it that there was no point going to visit a gravesite as that is not what I should do, he had said I have my memories of growing with him, and that’s how it should be but then also followed it up with if you still want to go he would ask him, mum, to drive me even though he could drive himself..

Later on, in the year he told me that his parents had to start looking at houses and wondered if I had seen any decent houses for sale, I later came to find out that his mum had made an offer on a house which was just up the road from me which all in all I honestly didn’t mind until they actually moved. His little ” brutally honest” remarks came back with a vengeance, I had already had enough of his remarks, and I thought he would stop after a couple of years. Still, oh no they came back and made me feel so insecure, there were times where he would bring up that I either smelt a bit funny or that my hair was dirty and if I had showered.

Honestly, by this point, I had stopped caring about wearing makeup or even making an effort for him because apparently, my wearing perfume would make him itch, having hair spray in my hair would make him itch, I stopped wearing makeup. Still, it is not he ever took much notice, he hated kissing me with lipstick on too so on the days I would see which were only two days being in mind I would shower and make sure my clothes had been washed and didn’t have a smell to them otherwise he would make a comment and then later on that night tell his mum. The next time I would see her she would ask about how I wash my clothes or something similar to what he had said to me, but obviously, he found it funny whatever he would say and follow it up with some utter rubbish like I’m only saying this, so you know better.

My whole attitude towards the church and my guy friend had changed because his mum would be reporting back to him. I no longer could be myself around him, he was my big brother, and I had to act like I didn’t want to be around him, I had let my boyfriend’s feelings towards a guy I had known for all of my teenage life affect the way I was around him.

Whilst I was doing my second year of hairdressing I had been talking to one of the girls I was close to about how I wanted things to change with me and my boyfriend as it seemed like what he said goes and that was it since we had started dating back in 2012 things were still new and fresh but 5 years in things hadn’t changed at all, all that had changed was what days we would see each other and him moving and living a few doors down from me. I had said that I wanted to take things; further, we had been together for 5 years, and we had talked about taking things further when I was ready to, and when I was I knew what I wanted. So with that, I spoke to him about to within seconds of me saying it, he turned me down assumed that the girls at college were all talking about being intimate and that’s where I had gotten the idea from and also said it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be and once again made me feel very insecure but as per usual what he said goes.

We always did the same thing every anniversary, Christmas eve, boxing day and new years eve I would go over to his for a few hours. We would do what did every year, and every time we met up actually, the only difference was on Christmas eve, his parents would go to his sister’s. Still, we would never go as far I was aware we could’ve gone, but because I hardly knew them ( mainly down to him again ), we never went.

My mum had been showing signs of being unwell. Still, we weren’t sure about what was going on. As I spoke to the boyfriend at the time he would tell me the usual which was to pray about it and the lord would help, now I’m not a very religious person and nor is my family, but I had become a Christian a while ago but never as much as him. There were times when he would be on his soapbox about things whilst talking on the phone, and I would zone out because I didn’t want to listen to him quite frankly.

Fortunately she was slowly on the mend and I would carry on doing what usually would do whenever I went to his and my sister would stay in and be with her while I was at his, there were times where my sister couldn’t figure something out or my mum wanted to know something and as I spent the most time with her I would probably know so she would ring me to find out or she would drop me a message and boy did that annoy him, honestly I didn’t see the problem but according to him it was our time and she was interrupting that. The way saw it was what if my mum had a seizure or something and my sister was ringing to tell my to come home as she’s now exhausted and wants to go to bed, he would so upset if he knew that if my sister didn’t tell me about my mum.

Around the 6 year mark, there were little things he would say that honestly made no sense whatsoever I had been volunteering with the care leavers team for quite a while now and he had brought up the fact that I am doing this all mostly for free and wasn’t getting paid which in all honesty I didn’t care less about

At this point, we had been together for 7 years, and people would always ask if we’re going to get married and all that jazz but we had talked briefly. He had somewhat skipped over it as he said I was still young ( I was 24) at the discussion time. He said that would rather be financially stable before making any other commitment like that. He had also once said that it was just a piece of paper. It didn’t really mean anything even though his parents are married he still didn’t see anything in it.

In February of 2020 my mum was admitted to hospital with pneumonia the two weeks she spent in hospital, me and my sister would go and visit her and sit with her and do anything that could help release some weight of the nurses shoulders , we would be there from around 9am in the morning until the end of visiting time at 10pm. the two weeks felt like they would go on forever and it sort of seemed my boyfriend didn’t believe i was going to the hospital or something as like clock work he would text me to ask if i was going to the hospital or if i was already there, which in my head i thought well where else would i be.

After my mum was discharged my phone I had at the time had slowly stopped working and would turn its self off at 50% and so like my normal routine I would do the food shop for my mum, come home and watch a bit of tv as she had such disturbed nights at the hospital with being repositioned every so often, she was very excited. So she would sleep a lot for the first couple of months, I couldn’t be on my phone as much as it would just turn its self off and I was happy to watch whatever was on tv as I had missed quite a bit from visiting my mum.

Fast forward a few months, and I had gotten back in touch with somebody I used to work with and who I interviewed the year before, we had started to become friends when his mum had passed out in a restaurant, and I just happened to mention it to my boyfriend as I was trying to make conversation as I had nothing to really to say as I hadn’t done much. The first thing to come from my boyfriend was ” why are you telling me for” it was like I was talking about this guy because I fancied him or wanted to make him jealous which wasn’t the case at all.

the lockdown had just begun and i had a lot of spare time on my hands as well as it gave me and excsue to get out and do a bit of exercise and it really made me open my eye to how much my own boyfriend was trying to control what i did, what i did or didn’t post on social media it was like he had stopped caring about how his words were effecting me as long as he was right and he got his say, i would have to go with it and not di anything else which honestly made no sense, i had mentioned the guy i had become friends with again and my boyfriend just asked me out right if this guy was trying to muscle in on our relationship and if i was seeing somebody knew as i wasn’t messaging him much when the truth was i had gotten fed up of his attuitude towards everything. so i made the difficult discion in Augast to end our relationship becuase after all these years i honestly could take how little he thought of me and how he didn’t understand what i was doing.

I was fully expecting to be upset or something; I had predicted that he would ignore me from now on as he had no reason to contact me anymore, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders as I didn’t have a walk around him on eggshells I could finally be who I wanted to be at the age of 27, I had the rest of august to figure out what was next for me I knew I wanted to find my feet in the world. I wanted to do something to make the end of our relationship real so I felt like a naughty child doing something out of spite, but I felt like by finally getting another tattoo after all these years was the way to do as he never liked them. Still, it was something I wanted, and for the first time in many years I was excited about something, I didn’t have to hide what I was doing or say on social media as I didn’t have him judging what I do.

When I reflect on everything he made my experience of being in care and my dad passing away at a young age for me being nieve and not knowing how to stand up for myself as well as my learning difficulties he would make me feel very dumb like he knew more than me because he was older, I had the chance reconnect with my friend from church too. When churches are finally open again, I won’t have to watch how I behave because it now has nothing to do with him and his mum.

I now know I don’t need any guy to make me happy, I am who I am because of everything I have been through I am stronger because of it, for seven years I had the same guy knocking down my confidence and my self-confidence but slowly but surely I am building it back up. 2020 lockdown taught me to be myself and not to let anyone drag you down to their level.

Dear 13 year old me

Dear 13 year old me

So you’ve just turned 13. Congrats, you’re now a teenager, but things are about to take a turn for the worst. Remember last year when Len died, and you couldn’t say goodbye to him correctly? Well, it’s going to get worse. The school you’ve known for two years is about to change the uniform and many other things.

The main thing that will change is dad. Have you noticed he’s started looking more and more yellow these days? Well, it turns out it’s an illness that will, unfortunately, end up with him dying and everything that you knew and was your normal would change.

Your outlook on things will become different. You develop this fear of going back into foster care, which we both know wasn’t a fun experience, but you keep it to yourself as you don’t know who to trust. Your current social worker will convince dad to go to the doctor and then to the hospital to get an answer about what’s making him ill finally, and just like you did when you were younger, you went with him and walked with him and held his hand.

When you are on the bus with him, he gives you a mint from his pocket. A few months later, he has the op, and then early Saturday morning, the house phone rings, and it’s the hospital. When you see him, he doesn’t look the same, and he doesn’t sound the same which scares you.

A few hours later, uncle Ernie turns up with a woman you’ve never seen before. It turns out it’s your auntie Sheila, so you get to put a face to a name after all these years. Unfortunately, dad died that day which is pretty sad, and mum is distraught too, as well as your siblings, but there’s something inside you that wants to be strong for mum, almost like it’s the right thing to do.

Being at home without Dad is very strange. It’s almost like he hasn’t passed away but that he’s just gone out, but you know he’s gone. The house isn’t the same without him. Over the next couple of days, things were just strange your whole life until you had both parents at home, every Sunday, you knew what time he’d be up, and you knew what time he’d go to bed.

Remembering those times, you would sit on their bed eating a biscuit while he told you all stories about nan and granddad and what they were like or the time he gave you a fireman’s lift to bed when you were little. Every part of the home is filled with so many different memories of him and still feels like it’s all a dream, but it’s not. You’ve now got to go to school, but it’s the last place you want to be, but you know it isn’t long until the summer holidays, and you can be at home with mum all the time.

Being in school is just strange as most of your teachers know about what happened, but you are not sure how they learn, you go to every lesson, but each one feels like the last. You’ve still got two more months left of school, so you grin and bear it as best you can. A few people around you aren’t part of the school who genuinely want to support you.

You find out your social worker has left, and you’re supposed to be having a new one soon, but you’re not that interested. You don’t see your latest social worker for a while, and by this time, they’ve all become a blur. You tend not to get close to them either. Over the years, you were labelled a shy, quiet kid, but now you really keep yourself to yourself, and you would love nothing more than to be invisible at this point; so much has happened, and it’s just too much to process.

It’s been about two weeks since dad died, and things are still bizarre, but one of the kids you used to play out with has come round to see how you are and see mum too, which was nice. You bump into his mum the next day, and she offers some kind words, but what can people say at this point when you haven’t gotten your head around it yet.

It is funeral day, and things are just strange at home. Today makes things more accurate, but there’s not at the same time cause there are memories of him around the house. Flowers are being laid in the garden the whole day seems off; Uncle Ernie made most of the dictions. It seemed like mum was just too upset to decide what to do, although he came across as like he didn’t want any investment from her. We never really knew him that well apart from his dad’s brother, and that was it.

When you get to the cemetery there are two people you don’t recognise, it turns out they’re your cousin’s well two of them anyways, another name to the face, you’ve always seen their names on your birthday cards but never seen them in person, and you’ve never really questioned why you never knew who they were before today.

The church cemetery Is quite bare as uncle Ernie organised it, so he doesn’t know any of dad’s friends, the people you grew up around, the same people who taught you to play darts even though you weren’t old enough to play, the same group of people who you watch play snooker and tell you how to play it and how many points for each ball but you assume that they don’t know about today because uncle Ernie didn’t have much to do with dad’s friend’s.

Mum is struggling with the loss, but you can see she’s trying to hold it together for us, but you can see straight through it as they start to play the final song, which you recognise as you heard it being played growing up. That night mom sends you to bed early as you have to go back to school the next day, which in some ways seems strange.

The next day feels strange as it’s time to go to school, but you can’t bring yourself to go, but you do because you never argue with mum, not at this time anyway. School days always feel longer than they are but today feels even longer, but you do your best to keep out of teachers sight which seems pretty easy as they never pick on the quiet one’s.

The next couple of months goes by like a blur. It’s now the summer holidays, and you don’t know what to do with yourself; usually, you all go to town for the day, but now dad’s gone it’s not the same, you try to be strong for mum because you know she’s still missing him.

Over the past few weeks, you have kept having the same dream. You dream that dad isn’t dead and that he’s just gone out, but he’s come through the front door as always, and everything is normal again, but then you wake up and realise it was just a dream. The following day you find out that the social services want to help mum around the house because clearly, they think she can’t do anything.

A few weeks later, some people from social services have come to help, but mum is told them what she wants to keep, but they don’t listen. They start chucking things out, and they got rid of mum’s medication, and now she’s had to go to the doctors for an emergency prescription, but unfortunately, she has to wait a few days for her medication which you know isn’t good.

The summer holidays fly by, mum has her medication back, and she’s not having as many seizures as she was when she wasn’t on them. Before leaving school for the summer holidays, you were told that you would be going to a new school as your old one was getting knocked down.

You don’t feel like going to school. It just doesn’t seem that important anymore, but you know that mom would only moan at you for not going, so you take your time walking to school, but by the time you get there, you can’t face it, and so you turn back, and you tell mom they sent you home because you were sick.

This carries on for a while, but slowly you start going to school properly, but you are still not on time. Still, the teachers don’t seem to bring up it’s almost like they expect it from you; your head of year pulls you aside one morning and says that she wants to talk to you, so you go up to her office, and you miss your first lesson.

Your head of year knows what’s happened, and she’s suggested that you have counselling. Still, you keep quiet as you know there’s no point questioning her about it; she thinks it’s a good idea to talk to somebody about how your feeling, but at this time, you still can’t get your head around the fact that dad has gone but he so honest in your dreams.

Counselling gets arranged through your head of year, and she’s arranged for you to see somebody at the centre you go to every Wednesday, but you don’t want to go even if she thinks it might help, you really can’t bring yourself to open up and talk about what’s happening.

A week later, you get a date for your counselling session, and you are not looking forward to going to it because you don’t know what to expect. You don’t know what they’re going to ask either, you go to the first session, and you find out it’s with a guy you already know, so you find it harder to open up.

The guy starts by asking what you want to talk about, but you don’t feel like talking because you haven’t correctly processed everything; everything is still raw. You’ve never been comfortable talking about what’s troubling you as you don’t know who’s going to hear what’s being said.

Your councillor decides to ask you a few open questions to make you feel more comfortable by asking what you want to get out of the sessions, but you tell him that you don’t know and that it was your head of year who thought it would help.

A month later, it’s time for your pep meeting and review. Around this time, you get to meet your social worker; unfortunately, this new one is just the same as the others, this new social worker wants to get to know you, but you know they’ve read your file, and they think they know you based on what they’ve read.

The only constant in your life is your independent reviewing officer Louise. She’s been around since you were a kid. You have your pep meeting first, and as per usual you’re pulled out of your lesson to go it, but luckily they’ve pulled you out of maths which you don’t as it’s your least favourite subject, but you still don’t like the idea of being pulled out of your lessons as you feel like it draws more attention to you.

Pep meeting is the same faces, and it goes in the same way, they start with your sister as she’s older but not in the room and then go on talking about you and how things are progressing in school and how you’re coping with everything but they don’t seem to ask you anything. They all have information about you, but you’re not sure how or where they’ve got their information.

Once the pep meeting is done, you go back to your lesson, but you stroll as you want to go over what’s been said. They want to know how you are coping with being in school after losing dad, but you are not sure what to say to them because, in all honesty, you haven’t gotten your head around it yet.

Before you finish for the day, your head of year pulls you aside once again and wants to know how counselling is going and whether you think it’s helping, but you keep your answer pretty short as you know that it’s not working, but you know she will ask more questions, so you lie and tell her it’s going ok.

School is more difficult these days as you want to be invisible and to be left alone, you feel like all the attention is on you, which is the opposite of what you want, you already feel like an outsider in school with social workers pulling you out of lessons, but now it’s every time you bump into your head of year she’s asking how you are, but you want to be invisible.

Since you started secondary school, you’ve been compared to your older sister; the teachers wait until the end of the lesson to tell you that you’re nothing like her; you hate the fact they compare you to each other. You purposely sit at the back of the classroom as you feel you won’t be noticed, and you don’t want the teacher’s attention; you want to be invisible, and that feeling of wanting to be hidden stays with you for a while. There’s a lot you’re dealing with now, and things at home aren’t the same, but you feel like you have to keep it to yourself to be strong for mum.

A week later, and it’s about 7 am, generally by now, mom has come into you to wake you up and to tell you it’s time to get up for school, but she hasn’t, you have this feeling like something isn’t right, so you go straight out of your room into the bathroom to find mum on the floor, luckily it’s not long until your brother gets home from his friends and helps mum up off the floor.

You wait until mom is dressed and fine before you even think about leaving for school, but by the time you get there, you already half an hour late, but being in school is the last thing on your mind. You are only a few minutes away from the school when you don’t feel like you can face it today. All the questions of why you are late and many other questions to follow, so you turn back around and go home.

As your walk back home, you’re talking to yourself about what to say to mom when you get in, as you know she’s going to ask questions about why you’re not at school. You think of a good excuse, and you hope that mom believes you, your about 5 minutes from home, and you just can’t face going home just yet, so you go to the one place that brings you a bit of peace which is standing outside the church you grew up in by the big tree. Ever since you were a kid, there was something about the church that drew you in, but sometimes you didn’t dare to go in, and so you stand by the big tree and look at the church.

After half an hour of standing by the big tree opposite the church, you decide it’s time to face the music and go home. You take your time walking back home, and then when you get in, you tell mom your excuse. She bought it, or at least you think she did. You get out of your school uniform, put your pyjamas on and lie on your bed with your two teddies. You remember how if dad caught you at home, you’d be in trouble; you found a CD that reminds you of him, which brings back memories of him sitting on your bed telling you stories of different things. The songs make you miss him.

It’s been about a week since you haven’t dared to go to school. You’re not sure what is stopping you from going in, but somehow trying to go back to having an everyday life doesn’t sit right with you. Everything seems so unreal you still haven’t gotten over losing dad, and let’s face it, it’s not some quick fix; you don’t know how you are supposed to carry on when nothing is the same anymore.

Some days you only get as far as the park before your turn back as there’s this feeling in the pit of your stomach that is just telling you that going to school isn’t right at the moment. Luckily nobody from the social services has been in touch, nor from the school, you couldn’t care less what they think is the right or wrong thing to do because at the end of the day they don’t know what’s going on properly they seem that talking to a counsellor will do the trick. You’ll be back to going to school again.

You don’t feel like talking to anyone will help as you feel like this is something you have to work on yourself and keep talking to yourself about how you’re going to do things and how you’re slowly going to start back at school the last thing you want is twenty questions from the people in your year as well as a lot of sympathy from your head of year. She’s known you since year seven and thinks she knows you quite well but still doesn’t know when to leave you be.

A month later, you’re back at school properly, but in the pit of your stomach you still don’t feel right coming to school every day, but you know if you don’t then soon enough they’ll start ringing mum, and then you have to try and get out of that one.

The only plus side of going back to school is that now you have the choice of what lesson you want to go to as your head of year says she understands this is a difficult time at the moment, be glad they think your the quiet one as you hate it when teachers say they know when they don’t. Still, you don’t say anything as you don’t want to get into trouble, you choose not to go maths as its not your best subject, and the teacher gets up your tree.

The next lesson after the break is English; you decide to go to that as you like the teacher; however, as you get to your classroom, you see a girl who usually sits behind you has jumped in your seat claiming she didn’t think you were in as you weren’t in maths.

You ask her nicely to shift out of your seat. So she does and goes back to her seat. You don’t pay much attention to what your teacher says to the whole class as you do not feel like being in school, but the one thing you like about where you sit in English is right by the window to slightly listen whilst looking out the window.

Some teachers are starting to notice something is up, well you think they see that you aren’t paying much attention in lessons, luckily your social worker isn’t around to bother you either it’s like they up and left without any notice, you are sure they will be around soon enough, you’ve been in the care system long enough to know they don’t stay away for long.

All you want is to be invisible, but let’s face it, however much you walk around with your head down, someone will see you. Still, you you could redo everything so you would have longer with dad and to be able to make more memories with him and not have him pass so soon, you feel like you never had enough time to get to know his personality and sit with him whilst he brushed your hair or just watched whatever was on TV that day. You would do anything just for things to go back to normal, just for him to be home and everything can be ok again.

There’s only so much you can take on; as much as you hate reaching out to people, maybe it’s worth finding one person you feel like will listen and express to them what’s on your mind, how you’re feeling, about the dreams about everything because keeping all inside doesn’t help anyone.

Somehow things at school are starting to become normal. You still can’t wrap your head around dad being gone because he was fine only a few months ago, and you were talking to him about school changing. What it may be like and the change in uniform, you have all these memories of him taking you to your hospital appointments, and you remember sitting at the end of their bed on a Friday night and listening to him tell you stories about your grandparents. Those little moments that when you close your eyes, you can still picture him.

As much as you feel silly for thinking about him and dreaming about him, he will always be your dad. No matter what, you have to cherish the time you had with him; you may not have been able to find out what his personality was like or even walk down the road holding his hand one last time. Those memories will be with you forever; as much as you feel lost right now, you will eventually find a new normal you will learn to adapt as time goes by, never feel like you can’t talk to anyone just because of social services some so many other people will want to listen to you that aren’t part of that. You will find people you can truly trust, but like with anything, it all takes time.

Finding Confidence

Finding Confidence

There are many different children who grow up with either a lot of confidence or none at all. Those types of children are labelled as shy or quiet but some just don’t want the attention.

There was once a child who didn’t have much confidence from a very young age and just preferred to remain quiet in school and only to be heard when asked a question. The teachers didn’t do much to help build her confidence because they couldn’t just single out one child from the whole group.

One day there was a change in that child’s life because a new person who had came into their life and started to work with them and little by little building up their confidence by encouraging this child to talk about things.

All this person wanted was to bring out the best in this child, she took her time to get to know this child and for that child to really trust her.

As the years went by many things happened in this child’s life that made them want to not to tell anyone as they didn’t know who to trust.

This child grew into a young person and people around her would see her grow in confidence but what they didn’t see was that it was all an act because she was struggling with everything and didn’t know who to talk to.

This young girl had many different people around her who she’d known for a while now but there was still something within herself that wouldn’t let anyone know her true self.

This girl didn’t know who she really was because of everything that had happened in the past she was given so many different labels that people around her put on her.

There were days where she just felt like she wanted to be invisible and just didn’t want anyone to notice her, she would walk around with her head down but the whole time she was in her thoughts and was trying to figure out how to be the person that everyone wanted her to be.

Back then she felt that she could be invisible at school and it would work in most lessons, the teachers would almost forget she was there and never pick on her to answer a question which made her happy.

Most days she would play pretend and act like somebody who was gaining confidence little by little or who had become less shy when the truth was that she want really being herself.

As she got older year by year more fears of certain things would creep in little and remind her that the future was scary.

This teenage girl had more fears than she felt others her age had because her home situation was different and had to learn new ways to grow and in that time she had created a few defence mechanisms to avoid any other questions that she either couldn’t answer, didn’t want to answer or simply didn’t know what answer the person wanted.

After years of pretending and wanting to be invisible things started to change as this young teenage girl grew into herself more and started to find her feet more.

While she was finding her feet the people around her who had always had her best interest at heart started to suggest things to bring her out of her comfort zone.

There were so many different opportunities over the years for her to really become more confident and have more faith in herself.

Some of the people around her didn’t know how to help her and just saw her as being shy as she walked around with her head down and hiding from the world.

Other people who really wanted the best for her, saw a way for to become more confident without fully pulling her out of her comfort zone.

They didn’t know she was pretending to be more confident but they saw a difference in her and gave her ways to really show everybody else what they could see.

Being able to share her own experiences and voice her own opinions in a way she’d never done before.

Outside Looking in

Outside Looking in

There once was a girl who would walk around with her head down and speak to anybody new. This girl had no confidence and always preferred to be invisible because she thought that if nobody ever noticed her, she wouldn’t have to pretend to be this confident person.

People around her instantly thought that she was just shy and that as she got older, she would be less fearful, but in some ways, that wasn’t the truth. How could she let go of something when she always felt like people didn’t like her, so? For her, it was like hiding behind a mask.

When things weren’t so great at home, and people at her school or somebody from the social would ask, she would say that everything was okay because she wasn’t the type of person who would talk about things. After all, she had an experience where she thought that she had hidden things pretty well, but she hadn’t kept her cards to her chest close enough for people not to find out.

Some people may say that she has come a long way from how she to be, but the truth is that some days she feels like going back to those old days where she could paint on a fake smile and hide. Those days where she kept things to herself about how she felt was somehow good for her but not for others.

Nobody can tell a person’s true feeling about something until they talk about it, and for her, that wasn’t that simple. People had seen her grow in confidence and become this confident young lady who they’ve known to love, but certainty isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

She may have become a more confident self, but she still felt like something wasn’t right, and the whole care system had made her entirely private about so many things because she was fearful of what the outcome was.

They say that when you look through the looking glass, it’s meant to be a clear picture of what’s there, but for her, the picture people saw might have seemed clear to them, but she had found a way to make them know what she wanted to see and for a while that worked.

After a few years of making people see what she wanted them to know, she became a lot different and started to let people in a little bit, and she showed that she wasn’t all that confident. There were little things that she didn’t feel satisfied in either sharing or doing, but it’s like the saying “you don’t know until you try it”.

So that’s what she did bit by bit; she decided that she didn’t want to hide and didn’t want to pretend, so those things that used to affect her didn’t anymore because she had become more assertive and didn’t let silly things like her past mess with her head anymore she had made a diction to leave it in the past because there wasn’t anything she could change.

These days she is more like her true self than she has ever been she has learned that things happen for a reason, and she isn’t going to let that wreak what she has fought for to build up. People have such a wrong idea of churches because she has realised it’s the people in the church who have pushed her to overcome her fears and to do things she wouldn’t have a few years ago.

There once was a girl who feared the world, but now she is a lot more confident than she ever was, and that girl who walked around with her head down has gone.

Colour Blind

Colour Blind

There’s a saying that many people swear by and that’s “you don’t judge a book by its cover” but how can so many people swear by some saying.

Everyday people get judge by what they or do or even what they wear. So how can that saying be true? We are just one person who just happens to have imperfections and we are far from perfect because that’s how god made us he knew we would have these imperfections but he made them so we would all be unique.

How can people be so sure of a person’s true colours if they’re not really being themselves? So many people don’t like who they or freak out that people won’t like them that they do whatever it takes to try and fit in when really our true selves doesn’t to worry we are who we shouldn’t change so we might fit in that’s not what god has planned for us because even if we mess up and do stupid things and we learn and move on that really makes god happy and it helps us grow stronger in our faith and love for our self a bit more.

Being who we are sometimes isn’t that entire easy if you don’t like yourself.

When you don’t like who you are it is just so much easier to pretend to be somebody who isn’t got anything bother them and they think that they’ve got everybody fooled they start to think “ well they don’t know I’m putting on a brave front” but in reality people who really know you can easily tell that’s something’s not right but we’re too afraid to say anything because we feel like it should be you that says yeah I’m not ok but unfortunately it doesn’t work like that maybe for most people yeah it maybe just take time but some people are so blind by their insecurities that they feel like if they say something then that’ll be it but it’s not.

We have God to guide us but we have to take away that make and stop thinking that people are colour-blinded by their own problems that they can’t help you. but we are all human and we all have problems but why should that stop us from helping a friend in need?

Out of the darkness into the light

Out of the darkness into the light

Once upon a time in a mysterious land there was a very beautiful princess who was loved by many people in the land. Then one stormy night something changed and the land wasn’t the same anymore because the land was taken over by bad people and princess grace wanted to all she could to get the land that she once knew back to how it’s suppose be.

One day she came across a horrible women that wanted everything and she really would do anything to get what she wanted but how could it be that princess grace could really get the land back to how it was on her own. People around the villages would say that it’s impossible to return the land to it’s true nature on her own it was obvious that she needed some help so she called on her trusty prince Joel and also queen Nikki and together they searched and searched to try and find the light to bring the land out of the darkness but something still wasn’t adding up.

They couldn’t figure out what it could be and how it could be changed something still didn’t make sense but what that was they didn’t know after so many days of searching it came to a special day when every year the land light up with lanterns and the sky would be so colourful and bright but sadly this year the land wasn’t bright and colourful. The sky was filled with clouds of darkness and all princess grace wanted was to make the land bright and colourful again, “but what could it be” said the princess to herself all that time she just sat and thought and thought and thought of how she could bring the land back into the light.

Queen Nikki couldn’t figure it out either so she called up on the very smart and brave King Dean to help bring the land out of the darkness into the light he came with very much confidence that he could figure it out and bring the land back to its true nature and he thought it was going to so easy because he was so intelligent and so brave that nothing could ever out smart his intelligence.

He searched and searched but sadly he couldn’t figure it out and that got him very annoyed because something had out smarted him so he went away and brought back somebody even smarter than king dean it was professor Chesney, she was the most smartest person in the whole land but professor Chesney couldn’t leave her two most trusted minions Jasper and Calunm.

Together they searched high and low to find this thing to bring the land back its true nature but when they were near to finding the answer they came across the horrible women again who tried with all her might to break their spirits and get them to give up but they wouldn’t give up so they carried on and it was prince Joel who found a magic seed that wasn’t planted so he put into the ground and poured water over it and without even having to say anything the seed grew and grew. The lands was brought back to its true nature and as they walked back into the villages all the people rejoiced with happiness and the darkness was no longer in order and the horrible women was no long to be found and they all lived happier than ever imagined.

Able to trust

Able to trust

As Christians our first baby step is putting all our trust into GOD but for some of us it’s a lot harder than you might think. Some of us have the same baby step to make but because of fear and not really putting their trust into anything let alone a belief is quite scary so that small, tiny baby step becomes even bigger,

 But how can it be that somebody who wants to know god more can have this sort of fear because when you hear people’s testimonies none of them say that they feared trusting GOD because they didn’t know what would happen if they did.

So many things in our Christian lives are bound to leave us asking questions but deep down inside of us do we really want the answer.  You hear pastor’s say that god knows you even before you were born but how is it that they can still have this fear but yet GOD still loves them.

 Well the answer is pretty simple as many people tell us a lot that god loves no matter who we are or what we’ve done in the past.

 Trust is something not given up lightly because many of us have put their trust into so many different things and it hasn’t been what you expected it to be but when you give your life to GOD isn’t about giving all you have to god even trust?

When it comes down to it all we can seem to say the same thing over and over again where we say to ourselves that we need to figure out what it is that is stopping us putting our trust in GOD.

So we start to search for the answer we think it might be but honestly there are so many things that we as Christians struggle with and sometimes it not just those who are new to the faith it could be somebody looking for answers.

Even somebody who has known god for quite a while who thinks they haven’t been given the answer they wanted but they might have been given an answer but it could have been something  that they didn’t quite grasp.

Being able to trust is something so big to somebody that really does struggle with putting their all into GOD but to somebody else it’s as easy as saying hello to someone but what they forget is that little bit of fear they still have in their hearts, When they question how they will act around people who are non Christians they fear that by trusting in god it will change who they are completely but what they don’t know is that by putting their trust in god it will change them for the better but not right away.

 Over time GOD changes us little by little so we can get to know god and have our own relationship with him.

 So many of question the change that GOD will do with us we seem to question if people will still know you properly or if just giving your life to GOD just means that all your friends will see you in a different light.

 How can you know for sure if what your so called friends aren’t just saying all this rubbish because they see how much god has change you for the better and then it starts to get to the point of really properly trusting GOD.

 Somehow in the back of your mind there’s just something holding you back and that thing that holds you back isn’t just something so little that you can just brush it off and it’ll just disappear because let’s be honest it might go away for a little bit but it’s still there in the back of your mind and its normal to have a little bit of fear we’re human everybody has a little bit of fear to start with but its taking that risk and taking those baby steps to get rid of the fear and doing what is right not only for you but for GOD also. 

The main point in trusting in GOD is really asking yourself if you’re willing to really and truly opening up your heart and letting god in properly and also it’s about having that faith that no matter what you say or do GOD will never let us down or hurt us in any way.

 So why let that effect your own personal relationship with GOD just because it’s a bit scary and you’re a bit unsure.

 Isn’t being a Christian having the FAITH to really and truly giving your all to GOD.

 We all have those days where question things but that’s just us as human beings. How can you really say something is really scary until you’ve even experienced it?

So it’s time to stand for what we believe in and just take that little step in really trusting in GOD.

Unaswered questions

Unaswered questions

So many questions I wanna

ask but nobody will listen so

the questions stay in my head

Nobody really knows what goes

on inside my head people

just want to get things done

Who knows maybe if they

asked questions they might

find out some different things

but because they’re always busy

they don’t really want to know

I mean it’s not like they

actually care questions build

up inside my head but

nobody bothers to ask

what’s going on inside my head

Because nobody has ever

really bothered before so why

should they start now?